Today in yoga I was so obsessed with how good I looked in the mirror and -omg is Dale seeing this- that I wasn’t even focusing. I think Thursday I will give Gina the mirror spot.
I can’t believe that anyone ever hurts babies.
A message to everyone to the entire world:
Please do not hurt babies.
Do not kidnap them.
Do not yell at them.
Do not touch them in ways that babies should not be touched.
Do not hurt babies.
A PSA from Hannah.
Actually, I try not to preach. I don’t want to come off like I think I’m some wise enlightened all-knowing master. I’m just a kid trying to learn and do what I think is best. Most of the time I just keep quiet about how I feel. When people are venting in anger…I want to help them recognize the real emotions behind it and practice compassion. But it’s not like I’ve never been in their position. I don’t think I’m any better. And if my words are immediately taken as judgment they will be blocked out, so there’s no point in even saying them. It’s too much work to always be thinking about wording and stepping around people’s feelings so I can reach their hearts. Sometimes I do, but most of the time I don’t. Silence is my fall-back.
Last week and the one before it were the happiest of my life. Okay, maybe not. I don’t know if I could pin-point the happiest weeks of my life. But they were great. Today I have been feeling a little lower. Nothing I can’t handle, of course. Maybe I’ve just been thinking too much. Sometimes I feel like I have to dumb myself down to relate to the people around me. Wow that sounds stupid put into words. Not really dumb myself down…I don’t know. I don’t think people are dumb. I think a lot of ‘em are really smart. All in their own ways. But I don’t like all the gossip and cruel words and judgement and negativity and petty things made into big deals…it makes my heart heavy. It can’t be who I am. I won’t lie, sometimes I find myself so overcome by emotion and the thrill of it all that I am genuinely participating in the typical teenage world. But more often than that I am sitting quietly as a bystander or halfheartedly throwing out comments that I immediately regret and feel sick over. Nothing awful. Probably things that are expected of me to say. A mean comment about someone who wronged me, or a tiny chuckle amongst friends over somebody’s strange outfit. Little things. But it isn’t me. Even thinking about it makes me want to cry. I feel like such a hypocrite. I’m always preaching kindness and compassion, and I feel those things in my heart, I truly do. But sometimes different words come out of my mouth and I don’t know why. I just want to feel close to people. I know how childish that sounds. But I feel like I am growing and learning in compassion and my peers are not…I love all of my friends and I love all of my not friends. They are good people. But it is a rare thing for me to meet someone that I admire. Someone who would be a good influence on me and help me grow into the person I am trying to be. The person I know I am in my heart. I know that every soul has some sort wisdom for me to take from them. But I feel like I have all these surface connections with people…nobody I can go deeper with. I will continue to try and grow by myself, inside myself, but I just wish there were people I could talk to on the same journey…I wish people cared more.
easter candy 2 go wit hot chocolate, now I am full as hell. Boredom eating man. Gets ya.